I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
