The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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