So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
