I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
