I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
