onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
