If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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