My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm sobbing to NWA
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
