im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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