Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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