The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
People in love make me want to vomit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
