Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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