I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
