life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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