I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
