i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
