dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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