I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
