I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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