He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
send nudes
from the living room?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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