you traded sex for a burrito?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
