My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize