You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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