I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
