why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
two words: eviction party
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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