I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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