I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You took a bar mat shot.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
