Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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