nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
