I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
