I met the friendliest cop last night
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
