i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
