just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
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I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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