my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
