My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it glows. i had to have it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You are a genius and a whore.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
