i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
