I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
