Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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