yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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