I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
honey bunches of taint.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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