I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
