Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
