if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
