I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
