I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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