I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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