The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
