I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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