Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
