Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
