i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
