i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
