My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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