Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
