Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
