Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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