i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
