I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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