Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
