She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
